Taken from Chapter 3 of " boy meets girl" by Joshua Harris:
The Art of Skillful Romance
Let me share some practical examples of what I mean. The following are three ways that wisdom leads and guides us into skillful romantic relationship.
1. Romance says, "I want it now!" Wishdon urges patience. Proverbs 19:11 says, " A man's wisdom gives him patience." My biggest mistakes in romantic relationships were almost all the result of impatience. Is this true in your life?
Like Rich and Christy, maybe you just couldn't wait to express your feelings for someone and wound up starting a relationship prematurely. Or maybe you got impatient waiting for God to bring someone godly into your life, so you got involved with someone you shouldn't have. You couldn't regret it more.
Patience is important not only in waiting for the right time to start a relationship, but also in allowing it to unfold at a healthy pace. Impatience rushes everything. It urges us to skip the time and attention a healthy friendship requires and to jump right into emotional and physical intimacy.
On Julia's first date with Matt, she dove headfirst into an emotionally intimate relationship. They had gone out to dinner and afterwards stopped at Bibo's Juice for fruit smoothies. Not being the shy typer, Matt confessed that he was attracted to Julia. She admitted that the feeling was mutual.
What followed that flirtatious exchange was a marathon tour of each other's personal lives. Impatience put them on the fast track. "We just instantly connected," Julia remembers. Everything came out in that first conversation. She poured out her life, telling him about her struggles as a new Christian and about mistakes with ex-boyfriends-preconversion and post-conversion. "I told him parts of my testimony that are very personal," Julia says. Matt did the same. Though they had known each other only a brief time, their conversation instantly threw their relationship into high gear. They felt close, even though they hadn't take the time to nurture a friendship or get a reality check on each other's character.
In the months that followed they continued to be driven by impatience. They felt close, but they wanted more. The rush of romance was intoxicating; but eventually, as with all highs, the fervor leveled off-illusion gave way to reality. Although Matt that he was still living sinfully and secretly partying. Their relationship ended bitterly. TOday Julia deeply regrets that she shared so much of her heart with Matt.
Mishmash Romance
Mishmash Romance Just because a couple is at a place in their lives where they can seriously consider marriage doesn't mean that they should proceed recklessly. I call a relationship like Julia and Matt's "mishmash romance." It makes me think of going out to a fine restaurant with someone who doesn't have the patience to wait for each course of the meal to be served. The master chef has a wonderful plan that takes time to appreciate fully. But instead of enjoying each course individually, you date insists that all the courses- the drinks, the soup, the salad, the entree, the dessert- be blended together into one bowl of mishmash. Yuck!
Imagine sucking that slop through a straw, and you've got a good picture of what many relationships are like today. Instead of savoring the "courses" of an unfolding love story-acquaintance, friendship, courtship, engagement, marriage-impatient couples mash the sequence together. Before they've built a friendship, they start playing at love. Before they've even thought about commitment, they're acting as though they own each other. Mishmash romance, like mishmash food, is an unappetizing mess.
Wisdom calls us to slow down. We can be patient because we know that God is sovereign and that He is faithful. "I wait for you, O LORD; you will answer, O Lord my God" (Psalm 38:15). Patience is an expression of trust that God, the Master Chef, can serve up an exquisite relationship. This lets us enjoy each part of our love story. We can be faithful and content right where we are-whether it's in friendship or courtship or engagement-and not try to steal the privileges God has reserved for a later season.
My dad likes to say that time is God's way fo keeping everything form happening all at once. If you're not ready to get married, don't grab at a relationship. Patiently wait for the right time to start one that can eventually lead to marriage. If you are ready for marriage and you're in a relationship, don't let impatience cause you to rush. Take your time. Enjoy where God has the two of you right now. Savor each course. Don't settle for mishmash.
2. Romance says, "Let feelings decide what happens." Wisdom leads us to pursue a purposeful relationship. The Bible exalts the virtues of, "love and faithfulness" ( Proverbs 3:5). In God's plan the personal benefits of an intimate relationship-emotional or sexual-are always inseparably linked to a commitment to another person's long-tern good within the covenant of marriage. The most beautiful blooms of love can open only in a protected environment.
As Rich and Christy learned, romance that is not able (or intending) to result in marriage becomes selfish and indulgent very quickly. That's why wisdom calls us to pursue romance only when we are willing and ready for it to succeed-only when it's part of a clearly defined and purposeful pursuit of marriage. Being honest about our hopes and intentions for a relationship is basic to doing what's best for the other person.
The way of sin is to try to separte feelings from commitment. In Proverbs, foolishness is portrayed as a wicked seductress who lures her victim with the offer of romantic and sexual pleasures devoid of responsibility. "Come, let's drink deep of love till morning," she says, "let's enjoy ourselves with love!" (Proverbs 7:18). This is how foolishness works. It calls us to enjoy ourselves without concern for the good of others. It seeks intimacy without obligation.
Setting a Clear Course
People ask why I initiated a defined season of courship with Shannon. Why not just ask her out and see where it would go? I did it because I didn't want another undefined romantic relationship. Too many times in the past I had separated of the pursuit of intimacy from the responsibility of commitment. I had learned that this was neither a wise nor caring way to reat a girl.
When I expressed my desire to explore the possibility if marriage, I wanted to set a clear course for our relationship-a course that would lead to marriage if it was truly God's will.
For us the season of courtship was a wonderful time in our relationship in which we refrained from physical intimacy deepened our friendship, learned about each other's values and goals, and interacted on a spiritual level. We asked a lot of questions. We went on dates. We grew closer to each other, but all for the very clearly stated purpose of finding out if God would have us marry.
Unlike my past relationships, my courtship with Shannon was unanibiguous. From the start, our pursuit of intimancy was paired with an openness to commitment. The difference was that now our activities and the time we spent together had a purpose beyond mere recreation, and that purpose was clearly defined.
Do you see the difference? We were walking towards the commitment of marriage, not simply seeing how romantically involved we could become for the sake of a good time. Were the feelings there? You bet! Our courtship was an unforgettable time of failling in love with each other. But we weren't simply trying to get swept up in our emotions. Instead we were letting our feelings grow naturally out of our deepening respect, friendship, and commitment to one another. Setting a clear course for a defined season of courtship helped us keep from rushing into involvement with our hearts and bodies before we had time toget to know each other's mind and character.
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shine Your light
For this is what the high
and lofty One says –
“I live in a high and
holy place,but also
with him who is contrite
and lowly in spirit,
to revive the spirit
of the lowly and to
revive the heart of the
contrite.”
-Isaiah 57:15
Be Humble and Obedient
Your truth
"Don't let anyone look
down on you because
you are young, but set
an example in speech,
in life, in love, in faith
and in purity"
-1 Timothy 4:12
